i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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