I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
