just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
