i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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