We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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