I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You work out of a Hotel?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
