Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
