They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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