Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
