I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
zippers are such a cool invention
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm passing your future prison.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
