M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
