he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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