What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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