My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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