i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
