when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
