if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize