I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
