Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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