I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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