she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
