Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Randomize
