you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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