You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
