He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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