I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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