Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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