i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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