i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
