i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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