just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's never too late to be topless.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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