she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
They have beer where we have blood.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
