yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
They have beer where we have blood.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
