guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
