whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize