you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
