Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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