I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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