I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
