dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
one might say we're banned from that church
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
