Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
