what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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