It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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