just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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