can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
