That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We need to rekindle our bromance
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
