I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
