Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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