He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
