Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
