god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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