there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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