why didn't you poke me back
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
