Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
