JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
