new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize
