Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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